swanpinions

bittergrapes:

This is not going to be very well-written because it is 1am and I can’t sleep, but this has been haranguing me.

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Oh, this. So true.

I’ve been in that sort of relationship before: where I was on pins and needles waiting for their call, where we either fought or made love every day. And it exhausted me. It made me physically ill and sucked all of the joy out of my life, because I simply couldn’t handle that influx of emotion. If that’s what true love is, then count me out! My emotional capacity and receptiveness was not attuned to that level of constant stimulation, and I’m tired of being shamed about it.

*nod* *nod*

I’m tired of being shamed for it, and I’m tired of people assuming that the happy bunnies and fluff image of love is what love is like for everyone.

I was thinking recently, what most people call “love” in the passionate and tingling sense, is very close for me to the experience of delusional thoughts. I’m not trying to say “love is a delusion, chemicals in the brain”, I’m just trying to say that how I experience that kind of love is uncomfortably close to the state of mind where I am delusional, and, it might even encourage delusions for me.

(Yes, otherkin who have delusional thoughts actually do know when they are being delusional.)

[tw: delusional thoughts, detailed description of a torture image, abusive thoughts]

When I am “in love” with someone, the intense kind, it’s something like a mix between (using Homestuck language because it’s the best way to describe it that I have found) matespritship and kismesissitude (wow, that is a hard word to spell, even if I look up). I hate them as much as I love them, I hate them for making me feel that way, and the emotions of wanting to be close to them, or be like them, or liked by them is so intense that it actually is painful and frightening for me. And then I feel bad for hating them, and I’m scared how out of control my thoughts get, about someone who did nothing to me. I become scared of that person because everything related to them seems so much important that I can’t handle it. And, usually I have a lot of self esteem, but the three people I have ever felt this matespritship for, I feel so worthless around them because my feelings of love for them make me feel I never can match them. I don’t want to eat around them or be naked around them or do anything around them because I might do something embarrassing. I don’t want to even talk to them because I might say something silly. I don’t enjoy being in love.

I was having recently while becoming ready to fall asleep, a strong metaphor image about what it is like in my mind, when I fall in love with someone. It’s like there is a cathedral in my mind. Actually, a lot of places in my mind are cathedrals, but most of them are dark. This is a bright place, and the people I have loved are hanging on crosses like images of Jesus. The look on their faces is beautiful and terrible at the same time, looking into their eyes is like looking into the eyes of a god, that you can’t handle, there is too much energy noise power light perfect coming from these people and you just can’t be near them, it is just like complete overload. And… that is how that kind of love, is in my head. It is wanting to capture people and have them in control in some way because they affect me so much that I want some control over that feeling. It is seeing the people I love as like gods, something where I can’t even be on the same level or treat them as ordinary people. It is watching someone I cared for, become so so so so intense in my mind that I feel sick just thinking about them and I want them out of my life because it is too too much.

That’s not fun, it’s not nice, it’s not what I want to feel.

That’s not love for everyone. I know that. But, it is love for me, this angerpassionangerpassion self-destructive other-person-destructive feeling. I’m glad I don’t feel it very often, becase I don’t want my relationships with other people to be like that. It’s why I prefer to be the cold-hearted swan that I usually am.